This is the advice being offered by Helen Croydon who teaches women how to flirt and pick up, so listen to this men as many insights can be gained as to how women go about the task of picking up men.
Apparently, it's all about exuding a lively, approachable vibe. "It's Friday night, look like you're having fun!" we are told. Sitting down is not allowed, as that "puts us out of reach". We have to smile a lot and look confident, yet relaxed. We should take in our surroundings in case we want them to be conversation openers. Is there a jukebox? Is anyone drinking a cocktail that we can comment on? We should never embark on a night out without an accessory that could invite someone to open a conversation - a hat or a striking necklace, for instance.
Most importantly, we need to make plenty of eye contact: "We instinctively look away when our eyes lock with a stranger. Tonight you are going to hold it for five seconds, smile, maybe even wink, and see what happens," Ostler instructs. I am absolutely terrified.
At crowded bar number one, Ostler unleashes us into the crowd: "Go!" She follows behind to observe our amateur tactics.
Instead of staring straight ahead, as I would usually, I smile at a man to my left. Disastrously, the crowds prevent me from continuing forward, so I am stuck awkwardly next to him and don't know where to look. My smile worked, though, because he opens a conversation. I lean back, away from his vodka breath.
"No!" growls Ostler in my ear. "You need to lean inwards. Think friendly, warm, welcoming persona." I obediently endure three minutes of his slurring. It's practice, remember.
In the next - thankfully quieter - location, I select a clean-cut business type as my practice piece. He is deep in conversation, so I walk straight past. How can I infiltrate that?
Ostler is unimpressed: "You should have made a detour to walk past him. Why did you walk around that other guy? You could have tapped him on the shoulder, smiled and said excuse me and gently squeezed past. Go back."
I protest on the grounds that he has obviously seen us conspiring. But I am forced. Despite my flirting being under duress, it works again. On my return journey, the clean-cut suit stops his conversation and asks: "Are you looking for your friends?" Cue a conversation.
Ostler has a formula for the conversation stage: A-E-I-O-U. A is for ask lots of questions. E is for ears to listen, rather than talk. I is for the essence of 'I' - making sure your personality oozes out. O is for Oh my God - showing some animation and a human side. U is for you - the person you are talking to - making them the focus of conversation.